Cross-gender Empathy: A Myth?

Hello kids!

As a new school year dawns, I want to pick up this blog where I left off. Leander Kung, a TOK kid, asked this intriguing question:

"I was just wondering, is cross-gender empathy possible? Can a guy ever be in the same shoes as a girl? Or vice versa? And if so, what determines the extent of such empathy?"

Here's what I had to say:

I think men can empathize with women to the extent that we can all empathize with the difficulties and sorrows of human experience. As you probably know, I was very ill last year. I believe that experience has made me more empathetic of people who suffer all sorts of illness or tragedy, even if of a different kind than my own. However, I know there are still limits to my empathy--I could never really know the terrible heartache of losing a child or a spouse, for instance (and hope I never do).

So although men can't exactly know what it is to be a woman--it's complicated, and thousands of years of historical human behavior as well as controversial suggestions of subtle brain differences, role of hormones, etc., have made it so--men can know lots of the struggles of women because they are really just human struggles. Does that make sense?

However, I took a class last year in feminine psychology and the professor had us imagine and then write down a day in the life as if we were men. The one man in the class had to do it pretending he was a woman. Although he had some fun with the morning routine--makeup, hair, fussing about what to wear--it never occurred to him that at ten o'clock that night, when we all headed out to our cars in the dark parking lot, we would all have our keys already in our hands, threaded through our fingers, would be looking alertly around us, have cell phones quickly accessible, etc., that we wouldn't use our key fobs to unlock our car doors until we were right at our cars, and that we would hurriedly throw our stuff in, jump in, and lock the doors.

He had no idea that in a "safe" place like Southern California (compared to Iraq or Israel, say), we women live with danger and threat every day. But it's true--we do. There are many things I won't do late at night, like go to put gas in my car, unless Mr. Elder is with me. It's just the way it is. But even the women in that class, myself included, had been so trained, had taken it all so for granted that this is the way life is for us, that we hardly noticed the ways in which threat of physical danger limits our life experiences in ways that men never have to think about. So in some areas of life, for some experiences, men really can't know. But I think that's okay.

And I know it's true going the other way too. Many times Mr. Elder and I have had conversations where I have been surprised about what it must be like to be a man--to feel such a burden to be a good family provider, for instance (probably Darwinian, if you trust in that, scriptural, if you don't)--and it is really hard for me to know those feelings. I can calculate them logically and try emotionally to relate them to feelings of my own, but truthfully, I know I'm not perceiving the man's experience exactly. However, I can empathize with the fact that something, even if it isn't in my own experience, is really important to him--that's the human struggle. So because I love him, I try to understand, and even when I can't exactly get it, I'm still empathetic toward his experiences and how much they challenge him. Because like I said, us girls have our own challenges!

Feel free to share your comments or email me a new question for consideration.

Getting There

Wow! You all look so beautiful ...and handsome! Mr. Elder and I had a great time sharing your prom with you last night. I hope you had a wonderful evening and made lots of special memories. Your Raider days are coming to an end--are you paying attention?

It's important that you pay careful attention to these last few weeks. Listen, watch, take everything in. I know many of you are already thinking about next year--what to pack, what to buy, which of you will bring the mini-fridge and which the microwave. That's important too. But even though your high school days are drawing to a close, there is still much to be alert to. It's a pretty terrific time in your lives--senior breakfast, awards ceremony, your yearbook (!), grad nite, and finally graduation. So enjoy yourselves, take pictures, journal or blog.

Be sure to tell your friends how much they have meant to you. Thank your teachers for their hard work and concern. Hug your parents for their years of dedication. Complete this last school year in a way that honors all the work you have done so far so that those you leave behind will remember you with fondness. This too matters.

Most of all, take care of yourselves. Eat well, get plenty of rest, and continue to make wise choices. Enjoy yourselves but stay safe! Your future is at hand, and to quote a bad 80's song, it's so bright you gotta wear shades! Make sure you're ready.

Feed Me!

I'm trying something new. Mr. Elder showed me how to make my blog an RSS feed, just like Mr. Houghton! So I'm typing something new even though I have very little to say, just so that I can see whether or not the feed works. Oh--one new thing: I will for sure be at school on Monday! Can't wait to see you all. Going to see Lucky Number Slevin tonight--I'll give you the scoop when I see you.

My Beloved

Three weeks since I've written--quite an eventful time, too. You can read all about it on my personal blog--follow the link on the right to "My Journey." But I do have to thank all of you who have sent cards, notes, emails, and well-wishes. Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers--they're working. I am definitely on the mend and hope to see you all, if things go according to plan, after spring break. We see the doctor tomorrow and will then know more.

I read something today that made me think about the trees in Beloved. Clearly Morrison uses trees as positive symbols as well as negative ones. And some trees seem negative, such as the one on Sethe's back, which becomes a positive symbol of her growth and healing. This has a biblical tie-in. There are two gardens in the Bible--the Garden of Eden and the Garden of Gethsemane. Each of these is associated with a tree: Eden with the tree of life, and Gethsemane with the cross. Both of these trees have positive and negative connotation. The tree of life would have enabled Adam and Eve to live forever, but once they had the knowledge of good and evil, this could no longer be. The cross seems like a terrible kind of tree, but the message Christians associate with the cross is extremely positive--redemption. I think this is the kind of tree Sethe has on her back--one that reveals the depth of her suffering but also the miracle of her ability to heal and move forward.

I was very sorry not to be able to finish the book with you--did you finish it? It's hardly a book you can just stop reading once you're so far into it. I hope you noticed that when Paul D. finally opens his tobacco-tin heart, Morrison lists everything in it. Each of the items on the list has been used throughout the earlier parts of the novel by Morrison, as those teases we talked about. Paul D finally opening his heart to Sethe allows him to deal with all the hurtful parts of his past, reinforcing Morrison's idea about the importance of walking through life holding onto someone else's hand. We saw this motif too.

I hope you were able to forgive Sethe's violent act. I would like to hear what you think about it--feel free to respond. I'm writing my master's thesis on this subject, and your opinions are valuable to me. What do you think Morrison means when she ends the novel with "This is not a story to pass on"? Does this mean that it shouldn't be shared? Or that the events of the story shouldn't be repeated? Or that it shouldn't be passed up? Feel free to comment on this too--it's perplexing. Can't wait to hear from you.

Another Early Morning

I'm up early today. Too bad. A good night's sleep is a good thing. I'm excited about starting a new quarter at school tonight. No matter how old I get, I still look forward to learning new things. Yes, I said things. Tonight's class is "Studies in Drama." The professor is the resident Shakespeare guy--every university has one. The three plays that I know we're reading (because I paid big bucks for the books) are Titus Andronicus, The Taming of the Shrew, and Hamlet. I don't know anything about the first one, but I have taught the other two, and I am really interested in hearing a respected scholar's opinion on them. Something else that seems cool is that the books are all about teaching Shakespeare through performance. Students love this, so I'm hoping I'll get some new ideas for next year's journey with the AP kids through Othello.

Tomorrow night's class is called "Pedagogies of Reading." Pedagogy is a fancy word for a teaching method. I took a class in composition pedagogies last year and learned a lot that I was able to bring directly into my own classroom, so I'm sure this class will be the same. One of the books is about reading poetry. Hmmm--that one should help! Kids come to school with a lot of fears about poetry, which must be because of the way they have been "taught" it or maybe assessed over it. Pity. Another book is called Reading Don't Fix No Chevys. Great title. It's all about the irrelevance of reading to the lives of many of America's young men. This also makes me sad. Reading brings me so much joy, adds so much to my life, that I feel for people who don't have the time or the inclination to experience this.

We've had two great TOK presentations so far this week. Yesterday's group talked about the ways that women have suffered, throughout history, to be beautiful, including corset wearing and foot binding. Really interesting and eye-opening. I hope all the students who heard it were challenged by it--beautiful doesn't have to be defined by the media or commercial interests. And girls, men can't define your beauty unless you let them. Don't let them. Monday's group did a great job of presenting some of the complex arguments involved in the issue of undocumented immigrants. That was very timely considering the walkout that was staged on Monday as the House sent a risky and controversial immigration bill to the Senate. The right to peaceful protest is an important American freedom, but I think a lot of thought should first go into the planning of how to stage a protest so that people will become sympathetic to the cause. Clearly that did not happen on Monday. Too bad. It seems like a good thing to find ways to involve students in the political process--but walking out of class as an opportunity to miss English or algebra isn't it.

The First One

A new day...another chance to get it right. Whatever that means. I'm listening to the rain, which makes me think of Mr. Elder, who loves the rain. My hair? Not so much love for rain.

I'm very excited about my new web page. I'm also looking forward to this particular experiment. If you love talking about books, this is the place for you! I also want to address other issues, sometimes those in our reading, sometimes not--please share your thoughts as well. The interchange is what I'm most excited about.

Sirena sent me an email asking for my opinion on the idea that the United Nations is going to simplified Chinese as their official language. Having been raised to write the traditional Chinese characters, she feels a sense of loss. Even though I don't know Chinese, I do understand the way progress sometimes seems like moving backwards instead of forward. Aren't there some things we should take with us as we move full-force into the future? I think so. I do know that traditional Chinese is amazing, beautiful, that last week when we did some Chinese poetry in TOK, I was moved as I watched Eric and others write out the original characters for the words. It seemed to be the most lovely blending of language and art. And it definitely seems worth keeping.

Sometimes, even though "official" types, such as the UN, make poor choices, we as the people have to do otherwise. So Sirena, although a letter of protest seems to be in order (have you ever written to the secretary-general of the UN? that would be cool!), it might be up to you, and others like you, to keep your language alive. You must teach it to your children, and see that they do likewise. I think you will find, throughout life, that what seems like a small effort can actually have lasting impact. So start small.